The Warning Signs of Toxic Friendships
The signs of toxic friends are many, yet most people do not know them. I had to learn the hard way about toxic friends when I experienced them firsthand numerous times. I placed my trust in these friends. I thought they were true when, in fact, they were not good company for me.
Most times we are not aware that we are dealing with a toxic friend due to ignorance, lack of experience, and not being able to comprehend a toxic character. Unfortunately, toxic friends can cause many days of heartache and even turn your life upside down.
Though, I don’t blame them.
I noticed certain signs and inconsistencies in my friendship with them, but I chose to ignore my gut. I made excuses for them, and I didn’t respect my needs. I allowed myself to be treated that way when I should have set limits and boundaries with them.
We learn from our mistakes.
I came out stronger and wiser, and I'm teaching my children to learn from my errors and be careful who they befriend. I also made promises to myself that I would not ignore my instincts any longer. I will guard myself and heed the signs of toxic people because I've familiarized myself with the signs.
And so should you.
If you clicked on this article, maybe you have a toxic friend who shakes your confidence and drains your energy. If you haven't met one, I wish you never did, because a toxic friend can mess up your life for years by causing turmoil, confusion, and pain. That’s why I felt compelled to share the signs of toxic friendship with others. It's important to choose wisely with whom we spend our precious time. Even the Prophet PBUH warned us about this when he said:
"A person is on the religion of his companions. Therefore let every one of you carefully consider the company he keeps.” (Tirmidhi)
Signs of Toxic Friends
1. It’s mostly about them, not about you
Her problems are always bigger than yours. If you mention your issues, she may listen, but she constantly thinks hers are worse. She won’t think of what you’re going through, only her own dilemma. My toxic “friend” told me many times that my problems were not comparable to hers and that I could never know what it was like unless I went through the exact same thing as her.
2. They don’t motivate or uplift you - ever
She is not your cheerleader at all. She’s actually the one to tell you all the things that can go wrong and why you shouldn’t waste your time. My toxic “friend” would constantly warn, caution, and deter me from my goals on the premise that I was being naive or inexperienced. I listened because I thought good friends were honest. Sadly, I should have realized that toxic friends don’t want to see you succeed, especially if they don't.
3. They are in competition with you, instead of supportive of you
A toxic friend is jealous of you behind your back. She may tell you that you should not do this or do that because people will get envious. One toxic "friend" would tell me not to post on Instagram because my life looked too perfect and many people wouldn't be happy for me. It turned out she was the envious one, as she ended up slandering my character when I would not play to her tune anymore.
4. They copy you, yet never give kudos to you
I once had a toxic "friend" who would do the exact same thing as I did a few days after I told her my idea. I had no problem with the copycat aspect because I took it as a compliment. It just felt weird to hear her say she came up with this great idea herself (the one I had mentioned previously), and would tell me all about it as if I’d never said a word.
5. They don’t respect your boundaries - at all
If you're busy and can't make it to help her when she needs it, she won't understand and will judge your commitment. Yet she disappoints you often when you need any help. You're not allowed to have boundaries with her, but she has a ton of boundaries with you.
6. They’re exceptionally needy and not independent
I had a toxic "friend" who claimed she didn't know how to do many things in life, and she would ask my advice on how to do the simplest of tasks. Most times, I ended up doing it for her—a typical codependent trait! She knew this about my character and manipulated me from the beginning of our friendship.
I never thought to tell her to do research, and I kept enabling her neediness till I felt drained and eventually pulled back. That's when I saw a whole new side to her—someone who was very capable of doing things, even better than I could, and someone who became nasty and cold because I wasn't doing things for her like before.
7. They’re jealous of your other friendships
When you tell a toxic friend about other people you like or enjoy company with, it bothers her a lot! She feels that the only person you should spend time with is her. She’ll actually feel betrayed! Yet, they have other friends who somehow, you never get to meet. One toxic “friend” would go behind my back and text my other friends to get together without me! Of course, those friends told me because they thought it odd. Yet to a toxic person, this is normal.
8. They make you feel responsible for them by using guilt
Guilt is one of the biggest ways toxic friends keep you bound to them. They use their lows to manipulate you into a constant state of guilt so you keep coming back to them. Later, when you look back and weigh the friendship, you see how on one-sided it was all along.
9. They’ll manipulate you to get what they want
This is another big sign! One toxic “friend” would portray the persona of a very pious person because she knew that's the type of friend I looked up to. I came to find out, that when she wasn't with me she behaved differently and her values changed as she had chameleon-like tendencies.
This trait makes toxic people well-liked as you think you share a commonality with them. You may even place your trust in these friends thinking they have the same values as you. Unfortunately it’s all a game to them as their personality is dependent on who they're with at the time.
In Conclusion
There are many more signs to watch out for and not every toxic person will portray all the signs. You need to analyze the way you're being treated and how a friend makes you feel.
If she's a positive influence in your life and you feel great after being in her company, that's a good friend. If you're constantly confused, questioning, and left wondering most times after being with her, those are not good signs.
Trust your gut and don't accept toxic behavior from anyone - friend or not. Life's too short to deal with this heartache, and there are many good friendships to be made with healthy sisters. It is even recommended by our Prophet PBUH to have no friends than to have bad friends.
I’m busy writing a book about this topic, because it’s something that's hardly discussed among Muslims. Sadly, so many of us are facing this issue, therefore, I also offer mentoring for sisters who are in toxic friendships or need support and healing from toxic relationships.
Toxic behavior is shoved under the rug, unspoken, and accepted, because of guilt and lack of support. However, abuse in any form is wrong and inexcusable! The Prophet PBUH said:
“Allah Almighty said: O my servants, I have forbidden injustice for myself and I have forbidden it among you, so do not oppress one another. O my servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance from me and I shall guide you." - Bukhari
Salam, I’m Zakeeya!
I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.
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