The Importance of Finding Joy as a Mom
I'm sure you've seen those grumbling moms, or maybe, you've been grumpy at times. I was like that for a while, even though it wasn't in my nature to be negative. I'm usually a positive, upbeat kind of person, but then I became a parent, had tons of responsibilities, went through bad times, and it kind of crept up on me.
You don't like the person you are when you're grumpy, and this usually means there's an imbalance in your life, and you've allowed things to go too far. I see these moms quite often; they're the supermoms; the ones who do too much and give up their lives so their kids can thrive.
But the question is, "Are their children really thriving?"
Many moms try to give each of their kids a well-rounded life with sports, Islamic education, extracurricular activities, placing them in special schools, etc. There are numerous ways we can enrich our kids, but is this what makes for a great childhood at the end of the day?
The supermoms I know are usually exhausted, tired, and primarily grumpy, and they never look too happy. When you ask how they're doing, they say things like, "Oh, you know how it goes, we have to do what's best for the kids." You can see they don't have a lot of joy in their life, believing this is the way, and they need to sacrifice themselves for their child's sake.
I disagree with this because I've been there as a mom of six kids. I’ve been the sacrificial lamb who did way too much for everyone and left none for me; eventually I burned out. The worst part was that I wasn’t able to make anyone happy in the process!
If you don’t have joy in your heart, you won’t be a contented person, and it will cause your family and the people around you to not feel satisfied either. You may think, “Well, at least I’m pleasing others,” but the people who truly love you would prefer that you were in a joyful state than to do all those things for them.
I had to reach a point of realization that I didn't have to be a doormat for anyone, or give everything to my family and others constantly. That, it was healthy to take time to care for myself without feeling guilty.
We owe it to ourselves and the ones we love to have joy in our lives so we can be happier people. This realization has been more effective in making positive changes than anything I’ve tried before, and believe me; I tried many ways.
When you find joy in your life, you will find comfort in your own company. The little things will be enough to fulfill you, and you won't need to do the big things like, going on regular vacations, indulging in bad food, buying yourself expensive items, or needing to constantly socialize. Not to say this is wrong, but the key is to find a balance and to know your intentions.
Sometimes, we do all these things because we feel empty inside and lack internal fulfillment. When I found this joyful contentment, I preferred being by myself more often and found the time to do the hobbies I’ve always wanted to do.
When I learned more about what makes me tick and knew my likes and dislikes, I began to respect my needs. I regarded my life as important in order to grow and develop overall wellbeing. The best thing about reaching this state of mind, is that it makes you have a deeper connection to Allah SWT, and isn’t that what we should all aim for?
I see the moms who are overwhelmed and haven't found this joy in their lives. Even though they're performing their ibadah, they do it out of fear of being punished, or to be an example to their children. That's fine for a short time, but it doesn’t help you reach a deeper level of iman where you feel a close connection to Allah SWT and want to earnestly improve as a Muslima.
Rather, you stay at a mediocre level because you’re always short on time and stay stressed out due to the constant grind. Keeping up with worship, marriage, parenting, and everything else in life becomes just too much.
When you come from a joyful place, you have a particular link to Allah SWT because you love him, you know he's got your back, and you believe He's the only one Who can solve your problems. So anytime you have issues with your children, a hardship with your spouse, despair over a loss, or just plain life in general, you know Allah SWT is there and is aware of what you're going through.
You have no doubt that you can ask your Lord for assistance, and He will always listen. If your hardship is not a test, then it’s a way for you to get rid of your sins. Then you learn to accept it with grace and either change your condition or maintain sabr (patience) through it.
You develop a complete understanding of what's occurring, and are in tune with why it’s happening to you. You’re able to distance yourself from your problems, and deal with your emotions better because you’re not as affected as before. This in turn can prevent you from falling into despair.
The state of joy is wonderfully empowering and liberating to your soul, and I'm not saying I've reached this place 100 percent. But whatever I’ve accomplished so far, has been life-changing and part of what led to me being a happier, more grateful person and a joyful mother, wife, and Muslima.
When I found my joy, I grabbed it with both hands and told myself that I deserved to have it. This acceptance was essential to overcoming the guilt I had accumulated over the years. So nowadays, even though I still go through extremely stressful situations, lack control over certain aspects of my life, or have something challenging to accomplish, I feel confident in my ability to handle it with my newfound way of thinking.
It's not a switch that you turn on to give yourself joy, and everything is fine; it's about knowing yourself and having a list of your good and bad triggers. The bad triggers help you know what effects you, so you are aware, and can deal with them with logic.
Whereas your good triggers are the joys you use when you’re feeling down, mentally exhausted, or stressed out. These could be hobbies like reading a book, studying beneficial knowledge, talking to a good friend, or making dhikr. It's the little things you keep handy so you can turn to them when the need arises.
It may sound simplistic, but it’s not. As a coach, I’ve tried to help many moms find their joyful state, and when I've asked them what they enjoy doing, they stutter and can't give me a straight answer. It’s as if I’ve asked them a super complicated question! But I can't laugh, because many years ago, that was me as well.
One time, I purchased a self-reflection journal, but I couldn’t think of anything I liked doing, so I had nothing to write. I knew what I enjoyed as a young girl, but I no longer wanted those same things as a mother.
This is completely normal because there’s a vast difference in your mindset as a young girl compared to being a mom with significant responsibilities. Also, the longer you are a parent and the older your kids are, you tend to change even more, so you won't have similar joys to when you were a younger mom.
The self-reflection questions I was working on were quite complex when I didn’t know better, and I thought it was just me. So that's when I went on a path to learn about my "new self," which ended up being rather tough because it felt selfish to think so much about my needs. Alhumdulillah, with time, knowledge, and wisdom, I overcame my silly doubts.
Of the many friends and clients I've spoken with, not one of them ever said, "Oh, this is easy, here's my list of likes and dislikes.” I know we all have them, but we’re so out of tune with ourselves that we don't know precisely what they consist of.
As I work with my clients and persuade them to reflect on their lives over a few days, I ask the question again. Slowly, they begin to realize more about themselves and mention things like enjoying early morning walks, reading self-help books, watching YouTube cooking videos, etc., until it all starts to spill out.
It was buried deep inside of them, that it wasn’t possible to find joy in their life. If you don't even know yourself due to being stuck under all your responsibilities and the needs of others, how can you help yourself?
If you lose yourself over the years, it will be the quickest way to burn out, and if you’ve gone through this as I have, you’ll know how bad it is. You don't want this to happen to you because burnout causes overwhelm, which eventually leads to numbness, whereby you stop caring about many things, even the people in your life.
You want to always maintain a balance between performing your responsibilities, running your household, keeping your family thriving, but taking time for yourself first. This is not selfish, it’s essential so that you can be strong for the rest.
In my next post, inshallah, I will share with you the ways you can find joy as a mom. Subscribe below for updates on new posts, inshallah.
You can also listen to more on this topic on my podcast
Salam, I’m Zakeeya!
I believe being a wife, a mother, and making our homes a sanctuary for our families brings us tremendous blessings, fulfillment, and improves society. Since 2011, I've been committed to helping Muslimas find tranquility in their roles, take better care of themselves, and attain contentment within. Our journey is not an easy one, but I pray the resources and mentoring I offer, will assist in navigating you through your everyday challenges with mindfulness and gratitude, inshallah. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! READ MORE
