The Worst Lies Told to Wives (and the Actual Truth)

Wifehood

Nov 15

Marriage is a beautiful yet intricate journey, and the advice given to wives often shapes their perception of their role within it. Unfortunately, much of what is circulated in modern society—whether through social media, well-meaning friends, or even so-called experts—can be misleading and harmful. Many of these so-called "empowering" narratives not only contradict Islamic principles but also create unnecessary tension within marriages. Let’s debunk some of these myths and replace them with the truth that fosters a harmonious and fulfilling marital life.

Lie #1: Marriage is a 50/50 Partnership

One of the most common but unrealistic expectations is that marriage should be a perfectly balanced 50/50 split in all aspects. If both spouses work, both should do equal chores and child-rearing. The truth is that the concept never works for long as one spouse will always do more of what they have an affinity for. Most days, the husband will contribute more financially or physically, and the wife will offer more nurturing and childrearing than the other, and that’s more the norm.

Expecting an exact 50/50 division sets a marriage up for resentment rather than teamwork, plus it’s unrealistic if you understand gender differences. Islam teaches us that a husband and wife are garments for one another (Qur’an 2:187), covering each other’s weaknesses and complementing strengths, offering mutual support and flexibility, and not tallying up contributions like business partners.

Lie #2: Marriage Should Be Like a Romantic Fairytale

The idea that marriage should always be full of romance, grand gestures, and excitement is a modern illusion harbored by Hollywood, Bollywood, Harlequin, and Disney, to name a few. A real marriage is about companionship, sacrifice, and patience with raw emotions and intense highs and lows at times.

While love and affection are essential, expecting constant romance can lead to major disappointment. The Prophet (SAW) and his wives had moments of joy and tenderness, but they also faced trials and tribulations. A successful marriage is built on faith, trust, and perseverance—not fleeting emotions and feeding our nafs.

Lie #3: Your Husband Should Be Your Best Friend

While companionship is crucial in a marriage, expecting your husband to fulfill the role of "best friend" in the way a female friend does is unrealistic. Men and women are different, and that's a blessing! Your husband may not understand every intricate female emotion you feel, and that’s completely fine. Instead of trying to mold your marriage into a friendship dynamic, embrace the unique and intimate bond of a husband and wife relationship—one unlike any other, and based on love, mercy, and peace.

“And of His Signs is that He has created mates for you from your own kind that you may find peace in them and He has set between you love and mercy. Surely there are Signs in this for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)

Lie #4: Taking Care of Your Husband Means He’s a Man-Child

There is a growing narrative that if a wife cares for her husband, like making him breakfast, putting together his lunch for work, ensuring his clothes are clean and pressed, or providing additional comforts for him, she is "mothering" him. This couldn’t be further from the truth!

Women are natural nurturers, and in Islam, being a source of tranquility for one’s husband is an honor, not a burden. Just as a husband provides, protects, and leads, a wife cares, supports, and nurtures—it’s a beautiful, complementary dynamic that strengthens the love between a man and a woman.

Lie #5: It's Not a Wife’s Duty to Cook, Clean, or Care for the Kids

This is a favorite argument among certain Muslim feminist circles, especially in the West (thanks to the many modern US shaykhas). We simply have to learn about the Prophet’s SAW wives and daughter, Fatima R.A. lives to know what is expected of women in the household. A Hadith states that the Prophet SAW mended and cleaned his own clothes and milked his own goat, but it is not mentioned anywhere that he cooked, mopped the floor, or did dishes etc. (please watch the video below for clarification).

The reality is that managing a home is an essential and rewarding part of family life and is predominantly the woman’s responsibility, whether we are comfortable hearing this or not. A well-run home creates peace for both spouses and when a wife embraces her role with sincerity, it’s an act of worship, not oppression.

Lie #6: You Need a Career in Case of Abuse

This advice, though often given with good intentions, is highly misleading. While no one disputes that financial independence can be useful, the idea that a career will automatically safeguard a woman from harm is extremely flawed. Not only does a career drain a woman’s time and energy that she has hardly anything left for her husband and kids, but countless successful and wealthy women have suffered abuse.

Some famous women (like the story of singer Rihanna) are physically abused and yet have all the money, resources, and support in the world! That’s because our true protection comes only from Allah (SWT), not from a paycheck. A woman should pursue knowledge and skills that serve her family and deen, not out of fear but with trust in Allah’s risq for her (provision).

Lie #7: Decision-Making Should Always Be Mutual

Many modern ideals push the notion that husband and wife must be equal decision-makers in everything, but according to common sense, an institution cannot function successfully with two leaders. In Islam, the husband is given the role of qawwam (protector and maintainer), meaning he has the final say in family matters.

“Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially. And righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone, protective of what Allah has entrusted them with.” - Qur’an 4:34

There have been many times when I thought I knew best as a wife, but my husband chose to do things differently, and I saw the wisdom in his decision. This doesn't mean wives’ opinions don’t matter—on the contrary, a wise husband values his wife’s counsel—but ultimately, leadership must rest with one person (the man) for a marriage to run smoothly.

Lie #8: Men Aren’t Good at Raising Kids

Society and the media often paint fathers as clueless and incapable when it comes to parenting, but Islam teaches otherwise. A father has a crucial role in guiding, disciplining, and nurturing his children. The best example is the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), who showed immense love and care for his children while also being a strong leader. Devaluing a father's role only weakens the family structure and deprives children of a balanced upbringing.

Lie #9: Khadija (RA) Was a Career Woman, So It’s Kinda Sunnah to Work

It’s often emphasized that because Lady Khadija (RA) was a rich businesswoman, Muslim women should have careers. However, a deeper look at her story reveals that she inherited her riches and businesses from her father and previous husbands, and she did not actively run the businesses in the corporate setting of today, where she freely intermingled with males and lived a boss-babe lifestyle, astaghfirullah. Rather, she employed men to manage her business affairs while she prioritized being at home.

After marrying the Prophet SAW, she devoted herself entirely to her family, raised seven children, and let the Prophet SAW take over her business. She also gave a lot of her wealth to the less fortunate, so using our great lady Khadija as an argument for the careerism of today, ignores the full context and is deceptive.

Lie #10: His Money is My money, and My Money is Mine Too

Islam is very clear on financial rights within marriage. A husband is responsible for providing for his wife and kids’ necessities, but beyond that, his money is his own, and a wife’s money is her own. A wife is not obligated to spend on the household, but if she does, it is a charitable act, and she will be rewarded. Neither a husband nor a wife can claim ownership over one another’s wealth. Understanding this prevents unnecessary financial disputes and allows both spouses to respect each other’s financial autonomy.

Lie #11: My Husband Does Not Like the Same Things, So We Are Incompatible

Compatibility is not about having identical hobbies or interests—it’s about shared values, faith, and mutual respect. Expecting your husband to enjoy everything you do is unrealistic. Remember, opposites attract, and that’s why you chose your man! Instead, embrace each other’s differences and find common ground in your Islamic pursuits. A strong marriage is not built on superficial compatibility but on a shared commitment to pleasing our Lord, raising a family together, and supporting each other’s growth.

Lie #12: Happy Wife, Happy Life

This phrase is often used to justify an imbalance in marriages where a husband must always cater to his wife’s happiness at the expense of his own. Marriage is about mutual care and sacrifice, not one-sided indulgence. The Islamic principle is “happy spouse, happy house”—both partners should strive to fulfill each other's rights and responsibilities with ihsan (excellence).

Lie #13: Divorce is Always Better Than Staying Unhappy

While divorce is permissible in Islam, it is also described as the most disliked of permissible things by Allah (SWT). Many women are encouraged to walk away from their marriages at the first sign of hardship rather than work through difficulties with patience and prayer. A strong marriage requires effort, and often, what seems like an unhappy phase is just a test that, with the right perspective, can lead to greater love and understanding.

Happiness is an inside job, and neither your marriage nor your husband can fix what’s broken inside you. You have to find true happiness with yourself and through your faith, and then your relationships, hobbies, passions, and pursuits complete the picture, inshallah.

In Conclusion

Marriage is a journey that requires wisdom, patience, and a willingness to embrace the natural roles Allah (SWT) has given men and women. Instead of falling for modern myths that create division, let’s return to the guidance of Islam, which offers the perfect blueprint for a fulfilling and balanced marriage. A wife who nurtures her home, supports her husband, and seeks Allah’s pleasure will find true contentment—not in chasing worldly ideals, but in fulfilling her noble role with sincerity and love.