Why Are We Being Told Not To Be Traditional Wives?

Wifehood

Mar 30

I am so tired of hearing Muslim women make excuses online about why we should not and do not need to be traditional (for want of a better word) wives, mothers, and homemakers. They keep claiming that Muslim women have all these rights that promote the idea that we must go to college, have a career, and be independent of men (as if this will solve our problems).

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

Those women claim that it's culturally expected to clean, cook, and be a stay-at-home mom, and that a husband must help out 50/50 and be present with the family most of the time. When I read or hear this, I smh, as I feel bad for these sisters who are missing out on having an easier life and a tranquil relationship with their husbands.

It's annoying and outright embarrassing to hear my fellow sisters share on social media how we women can shirk our homemaking responsibilities and that taking care of our families and homes is unnecessary and oppressive.

They hint that it borders on being abused and backward.

The so-called "independent women" fail to give women a detailed blueprint of how to treat our husbands and children, maintain a smooth-running household, and chase our dreams (aka a stressful career) simultaneously.

They also “forget” to mention that all our efforts as wives, mothers, and homemakers are acts of sadaqa that are highly rewarded and could very well be our ticket to Jannah.

I don't know about you, but I don't want this troublesome duniya over a beautiful akhira.

Where is it written in the Quran and the Hadith that having a career as a woman will bring us closer to Allah SWT and be a means to attain the highest paradise? Why then is the focus that women must have a high education and a top career to feel fulfilled—so much so that these “independent women” (again, for want of a better word), go to great lengths to make excuses and take Islamic concepts out of context?

One wonders why they want so badly to constantly introduce the more traditional women to their viewpoints. Is it because they need to make themselves feel better about their choices? Or is it that the road to independence is a little too lonely?

Here are the most common statements I often hear said by some Muslim women online who tell us why we should not be traditional wives.

1. Khadija RA was a wealthy business woman.

True, but... She earned her wealth from her previous husbands, and her business was run by men; remember, that's how she got to know the Prophet SAW—by hiring him. She was a homemaker and a mother, and even more so after she married the Prophet SAW because she had his six kids and he was running the business.

2. The Prophet SAW helped clean and even mended his clothes.

True. The Prophet SAW did clean and sew occasionally, but not all the time. All his wives predominately took care of the cleaning, cooking, and childcare duties.

No one ever said a husband shouldn't help his wife in any way. I am a traditional wife, and I do not do many tasks at home, like take out the garbage, change the light bulbs, do home repairs, etc., to give you an idea.

Also, if you are finding it tough to keep up with your children and chores, then get some hired help; that’s what I did. There’s always a way to solve a problem.

3. A husband should spend all his spare time with the family because the Prophet SAW said the best of people are those who are best to their wives.

True, but... the Prophet SAW had multiple wives, so he didn't spend all his time with just one wife. Can we share our husband this way?

Even when the Prophet SAW was married to only Lady Khadija R.A., he focused his time on running her business; he'd go to the Cave of Hira—sometimes for days—and later was on the quest to spread Islam.

Being the best to your wife is a broad statement, and each person can define what "best" means. I don't take it to indicate that a man has to spend all his free time with his wife and cater to whatever she desires.

Women should fill their lives with their children, hobbies, friends, and educating themselves in the deen (to name a few), and put less focus on what their husbands are doing.

4. I have to work because we won't survive on one income.

Not really true. I personally have never seen a situation in the West where this is an accurate statement. Unless the husband had a disability or handicap, or the wife was a widow or divorcee. My family lives on one modest income, and we are a family of eight.

We live simply and may not afford to do as much as a two-income household, but we live comfortably, alhumdulillah. The most significant factor, in my opinion, is that our money goes further due to Allah’s SWT barakah because of the sacrifices my husband and I both make for our family.

5. We can't compare to the Prophet SAW and his wives because they had more support, and those were different times.

True, but... The Prophet SAW and his wives also had other challenges that we don't have nowadays, and there's no yardstick to measure whose life is more manageable. What I do know is that the Prophet SAW and the sahabiyat are our examples, and Allah SWT created males and females to excel in certain roles.

Our Lord knew how the world and its people would evolve, so His message through the Prophet's SAW example speaks for all time. We could claim that many things the Prophet SAW practiced do not fit in with some aspect of our lives today, but if we thought like that, no one would follow any sunnah astaghfirullah.

We can't pick and choose which Hadith and Quranic verses we like the most or fit best in our lives; we have to accept them all if we claim to be practicing Muslims.

6. Why should the onus always be on the wife?

Not true. The onus of maintaining the home and raising the children is predominantly on a woman because of her fitra as the better nurturer and caregiver, but that's it. Everything else is on a man's plate, and it's fard for him! Wives think their husbands have easier lives because they don't witness what their men have to deal with in the workforce.

The workplace is cutthroat, and you have to cooperate with some of the most toxic people you can imagine. I worked with women in a school setting, and there were many days I cried from how much nonsense I had to deal with and how vicious people could be.

Thus, the more money your husband makes and the higher his position, the more stress and burden he will carry at work—and he won’t tell you about it because it’s not the manly thing to do! If you’ve been in the workforce, you know what I am talking about, and that's why it's tough for women to work, run a home, and raise a family without feeling overwhelmed.

7. I need to have a big career in case my husband is abusive.

I get really frustrated when I hear women say this, and I can’t even count how many times I hear this statement. I always think, “Where is your faith, sister?”

When I attempt to tell women that Allah SWT is the one who provides our risq, they still say, “But, we are supposed to tie our camel.” I feel like that statement has been taken out of context by some to justify their need for wealth and possessions.

At the end of the day, whatever we make for ourselves or through our spouse is considered our risq. Allah SWT has apportioned our risq each day, and whether we have a career or a wonderful husband, it will be that specific amount received. Only good deeds increase our risq as barakah, and not by climbing the corporate ladder.

I feel assured that if it ever comes to being in a destitute situation, Allah SWT will bring us out of it because He says;

وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِۦ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدْرًۭا ٣
“And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion.” (65:3)

And Allah SWT never breaks His promise!

In Conclusion

My dear sister, you may think I'm not standing up for women, but I truly do. I thought like an independent woman once upon a time, when I was in a state of ignorance. I wasn't happy that way, I was always stressed out, and it didn't work as well as everyone claimed it would.

Besides feeling miserable inside, I felt unfulfilled, and my husband and I fought a lot more. Now that I have entirely accepted my role as a wife, mom, and homemaker with grace, I have never felt more at peace.

My problems still come and go, but internally I am tranquil, and my focus is now on aiming for Jannah and not focusing too much on this crazy world.

I want that joy for my fellow sisters too! Also, I want families to stay together through thick and thin and for our children to have a stable home life. That's why I risk writing against the narrative and putting myself out here to be condemned when I could be quiet and do my own thing privately.

No one says you can't do mostly what you want; I often do what I want. But I don't choose what I want by thinking only of myself. I first think:

Will this take me closer to Allah SWT?
Will my husband be pleased?
Will my kids still thrive?
Will I be too burdened?

Then I choose the options that work the best as a whole, because life isn’t just about me.

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If you need more help, guidance, or even support on your journey to be a tranquil wife or to understand your husband, you have the option to book one-on-one mentoring with me.

Salam, I’m Zakeeya!

I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.