Our Expectations of Men and Marriage vs. the Reality

Wifehood

Nov 22

We all have preconceived notions about marriage before we tie the knot. Growing up watching Disney princess movies and reading historical romance novels, I envisioned marriage as a fairy tale. I imagined my future husband would sweep me off my feet, and we’d live happily ever after.

With no prior relationship experience and little exposure to healthy marriages, I had no real understanding of how men think compared to women. Despite being raised by a strong father figure and growing up with three older brothers, I was unaware of the male psyche and how differently men and women process emotions and handle relationships.

At the same time, I frequently witnessed struggling marriages and wives venting about their “bad” husbands, as if dissatisfaction in relationships was just a normal part of life. I told myself my marriage would be different because I would pick the right guy (as if that alone would guarantee my happiness). Looking back, I realize most women believe this.

When Reality Hits

I used to naively assume that if a husband truly loves his wife, he would always prioritize her and want to be with her. I thought that men think identically to women and thus would naturally understand our feelings. I failed to consider that men and women have distinct ways of comprehending and processing emotions. I thought my conscience and thoughts would mirror my husband’s, leading to mutual understanding.

Then I got married—and it felt like someone poured ice-cold water over my sleepy head!

My narrow way of thinking led to many misunderstandings between my husband and me. I judged his actions based on how I would act in a situation, rather than trying to understand him as a man. I assumed that since I had been raised to please a man by being a faithful, nurturing wife—cooking, cleaning, not denying intimacy, and bearing children—he would automatically be happy.

For some men, this might be enough. But for most, it isn’t.

The Overlooked Aspect of Marriage

One of the most significant things I had to learn was the fine line between babying my husband like his mother, and being his companion and spoiling him as his wife. This distinction plays a crucial role in maintaining intimacy and a strong marital bond.

Are we ever truly ready for marriage?

No way! I certainly wasn’t. And I don’t think anyone ever is. Most women don’t understand how different men are and expect their husbands to behave exactly as they do as a spouse and a parent. When he doesn’t, they become upset and resentful.

To combat their frustration, some wives will vent about their husbands to their girlfriends, thinking it is harmless and the only way to cope in their relationship. But this is one of the worst harms we can do to our marriages, because it violates the sanctity of the relationship and can feel like a betrayal to our husband’s trust.

Our friends will always be on our side, reinforcing our frustrations rather than offering unbiased advice. If we paint our husband in a negative light, our perception of him naturally shifts, creating even more distance in the marriage.

Also, women don’t consider venting about their husbands to be a form of backbiting, yet it carries the same weight. If we love our spouse, why would we want to speak ill of him? Imagine how we’d feel if our husband talked about us unfavorably to his friends—we’d feel disrespected and hurt. We shouldn’t have double standards!

I recall that whenever I sought marriage advice from my friends, it rarely helped. Many of them were either unhappy in their marriages or divorced. Their experiences, though sometimes valid, were clouded by their personal experiences, making it impossible for them to offer truly objective guidance. Instead of feeling closer to my husband, I would often return home with even more frustration and resentment towards him.

How My Perspective Shifted

After 25+ years of marriage, my outlook has drastically changed, alhumdulillah. I’ve come to understand how men think and what they need in comparison to women. One of my greatest realizations was that I was unknowingly trying to control my relationship, believing I knew what was best. Many wives struggle with this, feeling they must oversee everything because they feel that their husbands are too irresponsible or passive.

I had to learn to relinquish control and trust my husband’s capabilities. I stopped assuming he was simply avoiding responsibilities when he didn’t take immediate action with the kids or household matters. Instead of making all the decisions myself and resenting him for not stepping up, I gave him the space and time to lead at his own pace.

When wives act as if they always know better, their husbands often withdraw, creating a cycle where the wife feels unsupported, and the husband feels undervalued.

I also made a firm decision to never discuss my marriage or husband with any friends. If I ever need guidance, I would rather seek counsel from an unbiased, God-fearing, experienced, non-feminist Muslim mentor than a regular marriage therapist. I have personally seen some therapists doing more harm to their clients’ relationships and making divorce and being a single mom feel enticing.

The Key to a Happy Marriage

Ultimately, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that treating someone well shouldn’t depend on how they treat you. Being a good wife isn’t about keeping score—it’s about maintaining good intentions and treating your husband with kindness, regardless of his actions. When you shift your mindset this way, everything falls into place.

Issues that once seemed unsolvable start to resolve themselves. The changes you wished your husband would make naturally begin to happen—not because you forced them, but because your own actions created a positive ripple effect.

I strongly encourage women to invest the time in understanding how men think, whether through courses, books, or deep research. This knowledge isn’t just helpful in marriage but also in dealing with your father, sons, and males in general. It has transformed my mindset and strengthened my relationships in all areas of life as a wife and mother.

Love, Reality, and Faith

Another crucial point to realize is that the reality of marriage is far different from the fairy tales we grow up believing. Love isn’t just about romance—it’s about knowledge, understanding, respect, and acceptance.

A strong marriage also hinges on a woman’s self-confidence and internal happiness. Expecting your husband to be the sole source of your happiness is unrealistic and idealistic. Joy is an internal state, and if you can’t be happy within yourself and like the person you are, no relationship will ever feel fulfilling.

Most importantly, prioritize your connection with Allah SWT. Dua is a lifeline, and true love should always be rooted in our faith. Think of love as triangular in shape—you at the right bottom corner, direct your love up to your Allah SWT, then down to your husband at the bottom left corner. In this way, you love him through pleasing your Lord, and thus your heart remains protected, and your intentions remain pure. We should do this with everyone we love, even our children.

For those seeking further guidance, I recommend reading books by authors like Doyle, Venker, and Andelin, who provide valuable insights into marriage and relationships. I offer mentoring for wives and refer husbands to a male mentor (contact me for this).

Marriage is a journey of growth, understanding, and faith. When we embrace the reality over our expectations, we open the door to true marital harmony and fulfillment, inshallah. May Allah SWT protect our marriages and keep shaytan away from our homes.

Recommended Books For Wives

Salam, I’m Zakeeya!

I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.