Tips To Keep Your Marriage Thriving as a Wife
Marriage is a trial and a test for couples. There are good days, and bad days. It is a union of two individuals who think differently, have different experiences, and deal with situations in their own way.
Sometimes there are moments in a marriage that can get challenging, causing wretched arguments and constant bickering. Some couples tend to fight so often, that they become numb and want to give up on their marriage. On those days, I recommend that you read this hadith, as it will remind you of what you fight against. Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said:
"Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: ‘You have done well. (Sahih Muslim 039:6755)
This hadith serves as a reminder to us of the unseen force that is working on a married couple. When you acknowledge that one of Iblis's greatest successes is breaking up your marriage, it will motivate you to keep fighting for it and to make his evil intentions unsuccessful.
Understand that marriage, like parenting, is a test for us, and it needs constant work. When a marriage has issues, it is not necessarily a bad thing. Any genuine and sincere relationship will have problems because of the intense emotions of each partner, which affect the other profoundly. The key in any relationship is how to resolve issues amicably and with a compromise based on the love and respect that are shared.
It is crucial to tell your husband often how you feel and why you love him, and not wait for him to make the first move - make it an act of charity and be the first one to express yourself. Don't wait for a response or similar reply, give your love without expecting anything in return. It will avoid feelings of disappointment and discontent. Freedom lies in giving your love freely and unconditionally.
Some Nice Things You Can Say to Your Husband
"I love you always and forever.”
“I pray for your ease and happiness in this world, and for a sweet and everlasting Jannah for you."
"I appreciate you for the person you are - someone who has countless good traits that I adore.”
“I appreciate all the big and little things you do as my husband and a parent."
"I admire you my beloved, for the way you see to our family and to my needs so selflessly.”
“Thank you for everything you do!"
"I respect you my beloved, for guiding our family in life and Deen.”
“I love…. and…. this about you.”
These are just some examples that can be tweaked to fit your form of communication with your husband. The point is to express your love and show your husband that you cherish your lives together. State how much you appreciate what he does and honor his presence in your life. It makes you feel good too, knowing you've made the one you care about feel valued and happy. Now go ahead and send a text or note right now to your husband and make his day special!
Things To Avoid Saying To Your Husband
1. Never say the "D" word
Make a promise to one another that you will never say the "D" word unless you mean it and are ready to do it. Promise yourself that you will not use divorce as a threat or even think about it as a solution unless it is the absolute last resort for your marriage and you have exhausted all other options.
Even making comments to one another about leaving, such as "If you are not happy, then leave!" can be a knife to their heart. No spouse likes to be told to leave when problems arise because it makes them feel that you don't think they are worth the fight. It makes them feel that you don't care whether they stay or go.
2. Never lie and deceive one another
Couples need to be open and honest with one another and not have secrets separating them, which can cause doubt. Similarly, avoid suspicion and spying on one another if doubts arise, or if one spouse will not play by the same rules. A husband and wife are partners to one another, but they are also individuals, and each one is answerable for their actions to Allah alone on the Day of Judgment.
If you feel suspicious, ask your husband in private and in a kind and non-accusatory manner something like, "What are you working on, honey?" Your partner may show you, and it's nothing, or they may not, which breeds suspicion. At that point - let it go and make a dua that it is nothing, then put your trust in Allah SWT, understanding that if you are meant to know something, He will make it known to you. It is not your job to monitor your husband. Leave him to Allah, trust him, and expect the best from each other.
3. Never compliment or look at the opposite gender
I know some couples who openly express to one another who they find attractive. That is a bridge that should never be crossed and surely does not promote closeness in a relationship. Why open yourself up to pain and insecurity? We all know that there are better-looking and smarter people around, and to have it verbalized by someone you care about, is asking for trouble.
Show respect towards one another and care about their feelings instead. We should lower our gaze anyway because it is better to avoid fitna. Respecting one another is just as important as loving each other.
4. Never be too busy for one another
Don't let life get in the way of living. Don't regret being too busy to show your husband that you care. Call, text, or email him often, and sometimes for no reason at all. Make it a duty or check it off as a chore - and do it more!
It will make your husband feel capable and supported, and give him an extra boost of confidence to keep doing his day-in-and-day-out drudgery at work and when keeping up with life. Also, it helps to remind one another that there is someone who cares about them and wants to know if they are okay by checking on their well-being.
5. Never compare your husband to another
No spouse wants to be compared to another and feel that they come up short - even if it's the truth! If another couple has something you don't, understand that you may have something they don't have. We should not take things at face value, and realize that we never know what happens behind closed doors.
Comparing your husband to another, is just as bad as point number 3. It is about respecting one another, loving the good in that person, and accepting his faults. Tell yourself that the grass is not always greener on the other side - that’s only shaytaan's whispering wanting to break you apart.
6. Never make assumptions or try to change one another
Why do we think we know what our husband is thinking or feeling? Take your spouse at face value and listen to what he says—nothing more and nothing less. If sometimes they say things out of pain or anger and then say sorry, accept the apology, move on, and don't hold a grudge! Assumptions can turn a problem at hand, into something way bigger than was expected.
Also, ask yourself why would you want to change the person you married? Who they are is what attracted to you to them in the first place! Unless your husband made some drastic changes after marriage, all you can do now is learn to accept them for who he is and focus on improving yourself instead. Be an example if you want to see your husband grow in any way - that changes more people than talking ever will.
7. Never bring up past mistakes
Let sleeping dogs lie. Living in the past will fester old wounds and keep your marriage from progressing for the better if you hold on to one another's past mistakes. We are not meant to judge one another and to harp on past grievances. You need to support your husband and help him move on by motivating him to aim higher and not make the same mistakes.
Be his cheerleader and don't be a dead weight that he dreads to be around. If you happen to argue, do not dredge up other issues that add fuel to the argument and make you both lose focus. All that will do is cause frustration, the problem will fester, and your husband may keep bringing it up because it never gets resolved.
8. Never insult one another
Insults are painful, long-lasting, and cannot be taken back. It leaves emotional scars no matter how many times you say sorry. If you tend to spout insults in anger, then walk away and say you need time to cool off so you don't say something you will regret later. We feel as if we need to talk right here and right now all the time. Rather take time away when you feel your temper rising to avoid saying the wrong words.
Also, never criticize one another in front of your children - that is a big no-no! It can kill the love and drive a wedge between spouses for a long time. Losing your children's respect is not something you want to take away from your husband, and you don't have the right to do that anyway.
Smart Communication is Healthy For Marriage
When expressing your feelings, thoughts, frustrations, or irritations, choose the right time and place to express yourself, and do it with adhab and politeness. Ensure that your husband did not just come home, is not overly tired or hungry, feeling under pressure, or feeling down. Keep the conversation light and add humor when you can, it can change a heavy situation and make it as light as a feather.
Communicate your thoughts as requests and do not make demands. Avoid yelling and never use profanity towards him, be gracious with an extra dose of kindness. If you feel highly irritated with your husband, think of his best trait or a time that he did something amazing to be reminded of your love for him.
Loving and caring for someone means that you respect and cherish them, so be considerate of your husband’s feelings and use your best behavior with him. Why do we care more about how we come across towards acquaintances than the ones we love?
Next time you behave badly toward your husband, ask yourself if this is how you would talk to someone at work or a friend. If the answer is no, then don't talk to your husband that way! Also, always make dua for a successful marriage and keep it pure, pleasant, and drama-free. Life is short so enjoy each other's company. May Allah protect our marriages and make our spouses the coolness of our eyes, ameen.
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Salam, I’m Zakeeya!
I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.
