Your Husband Deserves Your Respect
As Muslim wives, we need to honor our partner for love’s sake, but most importantly to please Allah swt. The best way to do this is by developing the character trait that our parents demanded from us as kids - the trait of respect.
Somewhere along the way, we grew up thinking (not learning), that respect is something our spouse has to 'earn'. That only if he is someone you look up to based on our standards, then he would be deserving of our respect. Maybe this kind of respect is appropriate for strangers, teachers, co-workers, friends, or your boss, but there is a different kind of respect that doesn't need to be earned - the respect you give to your elders, those who protect us, and your loved ones.
If you think back to your childhood, how many of us can say that our parents were perfect human beings, or that we wish to be exactly like them (may Allah grant them Jannah). Our ideal shouldn't be to follow the footsteps of our parents anyway, but rather to walk in the footsteps of the greatest being that ever lived, our beloved Prophet Muhummed PBUH.
Knowing this, we still respect our parents even if we may not want to do things their way or even like the way they do things. We understood that the respect we offer our parents is not earned, it is their right - and this is the same kind of respect we should offer to our husbands.
When I got married, I did not understand this unconditional respect. I wasn't shown what it truly means to be a good Muslim spouse, only what was considered a good wife according to society's standards. You know the usual - great cook, domestic queen, and awesome mother. So I followed the trend of family and friends, and in my mind, I would blame my husband for not thinking like I did, or not doing things the way I thought it was supposed to be done.
At times, I thought I was better at deciding what's right for our home and our kids because I was the mother afterall! I failed to look at my own actions because I was too busy looking at my husband's actions and poking holes in it.
Sometimes one spouse can become more controlling and get caught up in running the household and kids that they want to 'run' their spouse too! That is where the mistake lies because you can't give your husband respect if you do not give him the reins too. Alhumdulillah, Islam has given us the perfect balance for a husband and wife to follow.
Think about it. Don't you notice that when you take charge of something major for your household or kids, it causes a lot of strain on you? You feel like you have to do it all because you don't 'trust' your husband to do it the way you want it to be done.
This extra burden and resentment (sometimes), is really your choice and it shows your husband that you don't respect him enough to handle the situation. But honestly, it doesn't come down to whether you trust your spouse or if he does it as good as you, it comes down to thinking you know better. It becomes blatantly evident what you are saying to your spouse. "I don't respect you and I don't trust your judgement."
When you see it this way it sounds arrogant, because, do you really know without a doubt that your way is better? When you share the reins with your partner, you are saying that you need and trust him, and that you respect that he may do things differently, but the outcome will be what's best for the family.
When I let go of my pride as a wife and realized my mistake, I noticed that my husband tried to please me even more, which increased my respect for him! The start of a beautiful cycle began, because that belief that your husband is free to do it his way, plus your faith and trust in him, makes any man feel more motivated to please his family. Of course the same would apply for a husband towards his wife.
I remember in one argument in my marriage, I declared to my husband, "You're so uncaring!" And he replied, "I don't bother because you always do whatever you want." At the time it made me feel angrier and more alone because I thought he was making excuses, but later on I realized the honest truth. He was stepping back because he was frustrated. When he removed himself from the situation by not stating his opinion, I saw him as being uncaring, but he did it to keep the peace and to have patience with me.
When I finally realized what was happening, I began to consult with my husband about our home and kids all the time, instead of some of the time when it suited me. I would ask him for advice about everything pertaining to our life together, even when I thought I had the answer.
He would do the same and suddenly, I saw the husband he was - someone that I respected a great deal! I had been so busy wanting him to keep earning my respect, that I did not see how much respect was there already. Unfortunately I had the wrong mindset when I got married and I followed society's idea of what my spouse should be like and how I should act as a wife.
That's the true sadness in a marriage - society is dictating to us how we should treat our spouse, instead of our Islamic teachings. This is where many of us go wrong in our relationship and why we may feel unhappy with our husbands.
Besides seeing my partner in a new light, I also felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was less burdened and did not have the pressure of worrying about everything anymore. I truly saw the wisdom in respecting my husband's opinion more each day. I realized that when he made a choice for our family to do things a certain way, it was well-thought out and had long-term results. Whereas I would have done something completely different in the same situation, but my outcome was more instant and short-term.
Allah Created us equal yet unique, so we are wired differently, but that's great for compatibility! I learned that having respect for my husband not only meant having faith in him, but having the patience to wait and see why he chose to do something a certain way. Alhumdulillah, I appreciate his wisdom so much more now and I see the result of his decisions more clearly too.
As Muslims, it is incumbent on us to respect our husbands because it's deserved and not because it's earned, and that is one aspect of respect. The other aspect is that when you show your spouse more respect, in return you will get more love because respect to a man is maybe more important than love. Ask your husband if he can have love without respect, and many men will say respect even comes first.
When we learn about the differences between ourselves as male and female, as well as study our role as husband and wife in Islam, we will understand our husbands more and have less relationship issues. This helps to know our differences and respect one another's uniqueness.
Of course with respect, in order to give it you should first have it. So respect yourself first, so you can respect the one's you love more easily. the Prophet PBUH said:
“Any woman whose husband dies while he is pleased, happy and satisfied with her (acts, attitudes and behavior) will enter Jannah. (Tirmithi)
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Salam, I’m Zakeeya!
I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.
