Marriage Tips No One Tells You When You Become A Wife
I have a cousin who is a really smart, dedicated wife, alhumdulillah. So I asked her to share her best advice after being married for many years. Here is the article she wrote especially for readers, which includes her best wife tips.
Marriage Tips by Saajida B
I have been married for a long time, and I sometimes get asked by other wives, what my best marriage tips are. Most people say the usual things to women like, “communication is key” and “don’t go to bed angry,” but little mention is made of the nitty-gritty details that’s way more profound. So I’m here to tell wives some hard truths, to tell it like it is, and to share some tips I wish someone had told me about taking care of a husband.
14 Tips No One Tells New Wives by Saajida B
1. Venture into your marriage to fulfill your obligation to Allah SWT
It's a promise that you have made to Him. If you love someone for the pleasure of Allah, you will always ensure that you please Allah in all your actions towards that person and your life in general first. You will ensure that you fulfill your obligations and your spouse's rights because you hold yourself accountable to Allah.
2. Sometimes your husband will act less than lovable
At those times, you should still fulfill your role as a wife. If you do it for the pleasure of Allah, you will have no resentment in your heart. You will conduct all actions with your whole heart, with the desire of pleasing Allah and not your spouse.
Should your spouse say something offensive, for example, you would not use that as a reason to deny him his rights. A lot of women adopt this tit for tat attitude. It's childish, and it usually doesn't work.
3. Remember that Allah alone is in control of all things
Allah controls the actions of your husband as well. Sometimes Allah uses our spouse as a test or trial in our lives. Should you respond emotionally and display less than desirable behavior, essentially you are failing the test that Allah has placed upon you. At these times, you should exercise patience. Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira that the Prophet (ﷺ) said,
"No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."
Allah loves us so much, and He desires Jannah for us, but we have to earn it. We should conduct ourselves according to the Quraan and Sunnah to achieve it. So he places tests and trials in our lives. Perhaps with that kind and patient reaction, rather than a childish response, it may emancipate us from Jahanum.
As the Hadith above indicates that a Muslim views the slightest difficulty in this world as a blessing. With each problem, your sins are getting washed away alhamdulillah It is those that have no trials that should be concerned. It is a sign that Allah has forgotten you. The worst thing you could do is to show ingratitude to your husband and in turn, showing ingratitude to Allah. The keys to a successful marriage is respect, acceptance and loyalty.
4. Your husband needs appreciation
Men have egos (women too but for different things), and generally need to feel like they are appreciated. They want to make you happy! If you do not acknowledge the moments your husband makes an effort, he won't bother trying again, no matter how small and off point. Honestly, your husband does not want to fail in your eyes.
A good example is an eid gift that you had been expecting. He gets you a kitchen clock, and you were thinking of a decorated necklace. He bought you what you needed in his eyes because you have always been looking for the time in your daily routine.
In your eyes, he bought you a "kitchen clock," and to any woman, that's hardly romantic. Actually, it's thoughtful and says, "I hear you and see you rushing around." Just appreciate the thought, and buy yourself the darn necklace. Plaster a smile and thank him profusely.
5. Your home should be a place of tranquility
Stop getting on your husband’s case about everything. He will avoid you like the plague. No one likes to be nagged, especially a man, trust me. Accept your husband as he is. Work with his strength and weaknesses, learn his mannerisms, and act accordingly.
6. Don't attempt to change your husband as he will end up resenting you
Don't baby him; you are not his mother. He isn't responsible for your happiness. You are responsible for your happiness. In life, you can't control anyone but yourself.
7. Have complete loyalty towards him
Guard his secret and his honour. Don't chat to your friends regarding your marriage, unless it is someone learned in order to request advice.
8. Sing his praises in front of others
Here the ego is affected once again. Thank him for the small gestures that you appreciate; that way, he knows how to please you. Men are not mind readers. They need to hear it from you when they are doing things right.
9. Maintain a good appearance and attitude
Men are exposed to all sorts of “interesting” women when they are out there in the workplace. When they get home, you are sitting in your Sameera kaftan smelling of onions. You need to make sure that you maintain yourself. Don't neglect your clothing, apply a dash of makeup, and some perfume before your husband gets home. Greet him warmly.
Asma bint Yazeed (R.A.) once came to Rasulullah as an ambassador of the ladies and said,
"Men have surpassed us in rewards through jumah, congregational prayers, visiting the ill, participating in funeral prayers and protecting the borders of the Islamic State." Rasulullah sent her with the message "Your adorning and beautifying yourselves for your husbands and your strivings to please your husbands, and your obedience to the wishes of your husbands equals these actions (juma, jihaad etc.) in rewards."
One person said to Rasulullah,
"When I enter my home my wife says to me 'Welcome O my Sardar (master) and the master of my house!' and when I am grieved over anything she consoles me by saying 'Why be grieved over a worldly matter; your hereafter is being made. Rasulullah said: "Inform this woman that she is amongst those who are doing the work of Allah, and she receives half the reward of those doing jihad."
10. Spice Things Up!
Give him gentle touches during the day when the kids are not looking. Like a stolen kiss in the passage or a hug before running out the door. It reminds your husband that you still find him appealing.
Invest in some lingerie and adorn yourself at night. A little planning and effort on your part can keep the light burning well into your golden years. Try some bedroom toys and be open to trying new positions.
Have fun, laugh, and be flexible. I know the kitaabs say otherwise, but men are exposed to sexual messages the whole day. Sex sells, remember, so every billboard is appealing to your man’s desires constantly.
11. Happiness is your choice
You have chosen your husband and you are in your marriage because you choose to be. It isn't your partner's responsibility to make you happy. It's your own. Think of him as a glorified roommate. One man cannot be responsible for your physical, physiological, and psychological needs. It's impossible!
Confide and spend time with a girlfriend, join a gym, get a part-time job, study something, join an art class, join a charity, go for a Quraan class. Occupy yourself with a hobby or other time-consuming activities. An idle mind is the devil's workshop; it's when you have too little to do that you start sweating the small stuff.
12. Remember that you and your partner are on a journey to Jannah
You should assist each other in achieving your goals, and you should also try to perform good deeds to ensure that you achieve Jannah. Charity work, spreading the Deen, alleviating poverty, etc. are some things that should be on your agenda.
13. Have couple time without your children around
Get a babysitter and have a date night.
Make gestures of kindness such as setting up a candlelit dinner once the kids are asleep.
Just talk about your day, put your phones away, and don’t be distracted by work.
14. Don’t allow family members to interfere
Be firm. There should be no room for meddling in-laws (on either side). It is your husband's responsibility to set the ground rules for his family - but remember to remain respectful at all times. His parents are the people who raised him to be the man he is today - they were his whole life! His family members have been part of his life before you came along.
You can always be assertive and upfront in a kind way about things that are not acceptable to you if your husband is unable to set the guidelines as to how you should deal with each other.
I sincerely hope you benefit from these tips and I pray it will assist you towards having a more fulfilling marriage, ameen.
Written by Saajida B and edited by Zakeeya Ali
Love these tips? Then Pre-order my upcoming book!
A Note From Zakeeya
I did not know many of these tips when I got married, and that caused many issues in my marriage. Alhumdulillah my eyes were opened as I learned more about the male psyche and my role as a wife in Islam.
That’s why I offer mentoring especially to help women find contentment in their marriages. Read more about my support here.
I also highly recommend reading my recommended marriage books if you need a deeper understanding of men and relationships.
Salam, I’m Zakeeya!
I believe that making our homes a safe haven for our families, as well as being a wife and mother, brings us great blessings, contentment, and benefits to society as a whole. Since 2011, I've been dedicated to assisting Muslimas in finding tranquility in their roles, taking better care of themselves, and achieving inner peace. Our journey in this world is not an easy one, but I pray the tools and guidance I offer will help you face life's challenges with more gratitude and mindfulness. Join me as I share wifehood, motherhood, homemaking, and lifestyle solutions that make life more fulfilling for you as a woman! Read more about me here.
